b2l https://b2l.online/ Sun, 31 May 2026 21:12:43 +0000 https://i.snap.as/rf4qAhyH.png b2l https://b2l.online/ Friends https://b2l.online/i-keep?pk_campaign=rss-feed <![CDATA[I miss having genuine friends and I wish I had done more to cultivate and maintain the friendships I’ve had. I can be kind enough to not blame myself because so much of that damage was caused by mental illness I could not control but it is still sad. My partner is the only person in my entire life that I feel fully understands me, and I am so grateful for them, but there is still an immense loneliness to only feeling like you truly exist in the eyes of one person. I try to reconnect with old friends but I can never seem to get anyone to reach out to me the way I’ll reach out to them. I have faith that I will find myself among people who I truly feel seen by one day, but I so desperately cannot wait to get there.]]> I miss having genuine friends and I wish I had done more to cultivate and maintain the friendships I’ve had. I can be kind enough to not blame myself because so much of that damage was caused by mental illness I could not control but it is still sad. My partner is the only person in my entire life that I feel fully understands me, and I am so grateful for them, but there is still an immense loneliness to only feeling like you truly exist in the eyes of one person. I try to reconnect with old friends but I can never seem to get anyone to reach out to me the way I’ll reach out to them. I have faith that I will find myself among people who I truly feel seen by one day, but I so desperately cannot wait to get there.

]]> https://b2l.online/i-keep Sun, 31 May 2026 08:37:25 +0000 2:47 am https://b2l.online/2-47-am?pk_campaign=rss-feed <![CDATA[Every day, for as long as when I started caring about living again, I've had the thought that I should go to bed at 11:00pm. It's written countless times under the headline of dozens of dates throughout the notebook I carry in my back pocket every day. My phone has three different apps that give me some sort of notification that 11:00pm is the time I should be going to sleep. Every time I jot it down or create a reminder, the thought that tonight will be the night feels so genuine, as if I haven't had it a million times before. "This will be a thing I do! I'll be a guy who's in bed at 11 and up at 7 so I can start my day with a great morning routine and be productive early to set the course for the rest of the day". I had that thought today, it's written on what I think is the third habit-tracker life-planner thing I've made for myself in the last few weeks, and yet it's 2:55am as I write this. Tomorrow I'll probably wake up at around noon, to the sound of my dogs barking or my mother pacing around the house, and the first thought in my mind will be "Fuck, what is wrong with me? I hate waking up this late. I need to go to bed by 11 tonight so this doesn't happen again". And once the night comes, a moment after I finally get in bed, I'll look at the clock on my phone, it'll show 3:00am the way it does now, and the cycle will continue.]]> Every day, for as long as when I started caring about living again, I've had the thought that I should go to bed at 11:00pm. It's written countless times under the headline of dozens of dates throughout the notebook I carry in my back pocket every day. My phone has three different apps that give me some sort of notification that 11:00pm is the time I should be going to sleep. Every time I jot it down or create a reminder, the thought that tonight will be the night feels so genuine, as if I haven't had it a million times before. “This will be a thing I do! I'll be a guy who's in bed at 11 and up at 7 so I can start my day with a great morning routine and be productive early to set the course for the rest of the day”. I had that thought today, it's written on what I think is the third habit-tracker life-planner thing I've made for myself in the last few weeks, and yet it's 2:55am as I write this.

Tomorrow I'll probably wake up at around noon, to the sound of my dogs barking or my mother pacing around the house, and the first thought in my mind will be “Fuck, what is wrong with me? I hate waking up this late. I need to go to bed by 11 tonight so this doesn't happen again”. And once the night comes, a moment after I finally get in bed, I'll look at the clock on my phone, it'll show 3:00am the way it does now, and the cycle will continue.

]]> https://b2l.online/2-47-am Sun, 24 May 2026 10:09:35 +0000 I bought a MacBook Air https://b2l.online/i-bought-a-macbook-air?pk_campaign=rss-feed <![CDATA[I’ve been meaning to make a page, or a blog, or whatever it is you’d call this for quite some time now, and I bought a MacBook Air today, so it feels appropriate to do so now with my shiny new MacBook. I haven’t really figured out anything specific I want to write about, or who I want my audience to be (if any), but I don’t think there’s any issue with figuring that out as I go. If anything, trying to define and curate whatever it is I want to share has probably been the biggest barrier to me sharing it at all, so I’ll just write when I think I want to write, and we’ll see what happens =^)]]> I’ve been meaning to make a page, or a blog, or whatever it is you’d call this for quite some time now, and I bought a MacBook Air today, so it feels appropriate to do so now with my shiny new MacBook. I haven’t really figured out anything specific I want to write about, or who I want my audience to be (if any), but I don’t think there’s any issue with figuring that out as I go. If anything, trying to define and curate whatever it is I want to share has probably been the biggest barrier to me sharing it at all, so I’ll just write when I think I want to write, and we’ll see what happens =^)

]]> https://b2l.online/i-bought-a-macbook-air Sun, 24 May 2026 06:28:40 +0000